Look, I am just a young girl who’s trying to figure out life and how to go about it and I have such an enormous future ahead of me. I don’t write a lot because I have a clue about how to navigate life, truthfully, I don’t know much about a lot of things in life. I have so much to learn in my lifetime, but, if there is one thing I know for damn sure, it’s that I am such a reflector. And I like to think I’m good at that at least. I am constantly reflecting, it’s how and why I write so much, it’s how I talk so much when I get into good conversation, it’s what I KNOW how to do. It’s how I make out a clue about life. It’s how I navigate my life.
The past year of my life, I think the least amount of events have occurred, yet I seemed to experience the most change yet. I did SO much reflecting. I was honestly figuring out how to do this new life of mine in a different place and unfortunately in doing that, I think I emotionally closed myself off to a lot of people around me. I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I was so exhausted from recovering from a really rough year of unhealthy mental state and I couldn’t imagine emotionally involving myself in other people. I could barely grip life with my own emotions, let alone others. So, over the past year, I spent such an enormous amount of time being alone. I do think it was healthy, and much needed considering, and it’s taught me a lot, but I think I forgot how much I thrive off of human connection. I do believe that is one of the reasons we are here on earth, for human connection and the beautiful relationships and lessons that can be learned from it.
I think for a bit I lost sense of why I started my blog almost two years ago, although I don’t post regularly or even close to often anymore, I didn’t want to crave validation from my writings- my most sacred pieces of my soul, and my creative outlet. It’s so scary for me, sharing my emotions like I do in some of my writings. Being emotionally vulnerable is something I think I sometimes struggle with, especially nowadays. I’m scared of truly letting anybody in. But living in that fear I think I’ve also created self-inflicted pain. I think I was trying so hard to create this new Hannah that I forgot where her joy lies, what makes her HER, and that the things that used to make her happy still do.
I remember I used to do this thing where I would send all my best friends these long texts in a state of emotional vulnerability, and thank them for being them, and letting me be apart of their life. What happened to that Hannah? That joy of giving out those words of confirmation and receiving love back gave me so much joy and gratitude. I think I’ve attempted to do that maybe once or twice in the past year. And I hate that. I want to be more emotionally vulnerable with my friends and family. But for reasons, it’s much, much harder for me to do now.
So, this is my attempt in doing so. The whole reason I started my blog was to connect with human beings- people I knew or didn’t know. I just wanted to connect, relate, and feel the emotions of life. And, now more than I ever, I still do.
Here’s a piece of my writing that is pretty recent, pretty raw, and pretty real. I hope it does something for you. Anything really.
I’ve been avoiding talking about my new friend for a while now. A flood of emotions takes me under the feet when I think of our relationship the past year. I’ve come close to sitting down and writing about it multiple times, but could never bring myself to talk about it and how it has affected my life. For the most part, I think I’ve been really embarrassed to talk about this friend. They first came into my life about 14 months ago, for good. We’ve seen each other a couple times in the past but we didn’t get as close as we did when I moved.
At first it was a friendship that was incredibly refreshing, and I was grateful to have them in my life. They showed me a beautiful side of myself I hadn’t seen before. I really enjoyed our time together, for quite a while, considering the months leading into our friendship. In that time, leading up to it, life was so claustrophobic and frustrating for me, I lost a sense of control for my life and I fell apart for a good amount of time. So when this new friend came into my life, they would hug me everyday and whisper to me,
Everything is okay now, you can breathe baby.
Every time they said that, I would instantly breathe out those emotions of relief. This was a recurring thing for us, actually. For so long, this new friend of mine and I would sit in my car parked in front of the ocean, and they would rub my back as I wept hard for the amount of time I needed. It took me a long time to fully release all those emotions of relief and sorrow. But, I never shamed myself for all those tears that flooded down my face, letting go of a huge part of my past and my old life. Gracefully, my friend never judged me either for doing so. Mostly because we both knew they were happy, relief tears. I had been struggling for so long without realizing and my soul was being trapped. My friend kept telling me that everything in my life was going to get better, starting with our friendship. Wiping the tears from my face they would tell me:
Everything in your life is going to change, starting with our friendship. But I KNOW with everything in me, that it’s going to get better..
Enforcing that idea, they repeated to me, … so much better baby.
You’re going to come across from challenges in this new life, shown by me mostly, but you’re just going to end up so much stronger and happier than ever before.
My friend nodded in agreement as I told them how my soul feels right where it should be. I kept telling them how happy I was for moving to this new place of living. We sat in my car, parked at sunset, admiring the beautiful sun disappearing behind the horizon, just like my past life was doing.
As the days went on, my past life kept getting more and more blurry. So bittersweet. Everything I knew and knew me so well was fading away more and more, like shrinking in the rear view mirror. Starting this new life of mine, I really started to get to know this new friend of mine, mainly because they were all I had most of my days. But I was okay with it. I knew this new friendship was apart of my growth, even if I did tire of them every once in awhile. At times, I was conflicted because I also didn’t want them to leave my life- no matter how frustrated I became with their presence. I was the one who invited them into my life. I was the one who wanted their company, and it was a commitment I made and I wasn’t going to give up on.
I’m not going to lie to you though, I have gone stupidly out of my way to avoid them. I would drive 2 hours to my hometown to avoid them. They would get on my nerves and I needed a break from them. We had gotten into some small arguments before I left for my January trip. It always started with my friend making comments about how I couldn’t decide whether I wanted them in my life or not. Stupid comments like how I was starting to use them only to avoid other issues in my life with people and myself. Most of the arguments didn’t go far because I didn’t care to put up a fight. The comments just distracted me away from the fact that I had good things coming my way. From what I remember, I avoided them for a while before my trip. I don’t even think I said bye before I left.
And so I left for Bali with another friend of mine from high school, a trip I had been waiting for, for two years. In pursuing the commitment I made to doing my trip how I planned, and maybe not necessarily how I wanted- I left my other new friend behind. They knew I was stupid for doing so, but didn’t tell me till later. For the beginning of my trip I actually was fine without them and was having fun with the friend I did choose to travel with! I started to believe that maybe I didn’t need them to have fun traveling. For a bit of time I was happy that I left my new BFF behind. We had spent so much together the months leading up to Bali, that I actually forgot what life was like without them.
But, to my surprise, this BFF of mine hopped on the plane from LAX to meet me in Bali, after I had been there 14 days with the high school friend of mine. I sure as HELL did not expect them to show up on January 9th. But I think it was the best surprise to ever happen to me. I hugged them so tightly, it was almost like the universe was giving me the warmest hug I had ever felt. I kept telling them how glad I was to have their presence after my friend from high school had said her goodbyes. My BFF had reminded me of the true person I wanted to live and travel as- they helped me get back to my authentic self for the rest of my trip. Frankly, I had never felt more like myself with them around. I was finally able to experience the trip I had been craving and day-dreaming about for two years. Life was so fucking beautiful for the remaining time in Bali.
We screamed of joy on the islands of Lembongan and Ceningan. We were presented with so many opportunities to befriend the locals of the island. They inspired me to write again. I had never felt so alive.
We got home safely from the most amazing trip, but things weren’t the same after that. I got pretty busy with life and I kind of started to avoid them. I think I said some pretty nasty things to them and so they also stopped coming around. I’m not going to lie, I kind of forgot about them for a while, and even though at times, something would remind me of them, I never let them stay in my headspace for longer than a couple minutes. But I think it was for the best. We had a good run, but my life was actually starting to get better without them around and I no longer wanted to pursue our friendship.
We accidentally ran into each other a while back, and they were kind of in bad shape and had a God awful energy and attitude. We tried having a decent conversation but it didn’t end well so I walked away with disgust, and I went on with my busy life, happy and all.
Sure enough, 6 weeks after that conversation, they showed up on the doorstep of the house I was dog-sitting at for a month. How did they know where I was?
They begged to come in- but I refused. I said I was doing just fine without them. They tried sweet talking me into letting them back into my life, but I stood my ground and shut the door on them. They kept coming back, bugging the hell out of me until I finally let them in- giving them another chance. I was distant in conversation but they insisted that we clear things up for the better. I hesitated for a couple days until I thought, well what’s the worst that could happen?
They kept me company for a while, but it didn’t take long for me to get exhausted of them, both physically and mentally. Their energy became SO draining. But it slowly became harder and harder for me to get rid of them. I couldn’t seem to push them out of my life. It got to the point where we would be in the car and I would blast the music so loud so they wouldn’t talk to me. But persistent as always- they would lower the volume and ask why I was constantly avoiding them. Why I was pretending that they weren’t there right by my side, and how I was avoiding the conversation.
The questions continued until I broke my silence with a burst of tears, and soon words spilled out of my mouth in a shouting matter;
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS LIVING WITH YOU? DO YOU REALIZE HOW ANGRY YOU MAKE ME? HOW EXHAUSTED I AM OF PUTTING UP WITH YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS I LIE IN PAIN AND ACHE BECAUSE I’M SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF FOR LETTING YOU BACK INTO MY LIFE? NOT KNOWING HOW TO GET RID OF YOU? HOW MANY TIMES I SIT IN THE SHOWER CRYING BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME QUESTION ALL THE DECISIONS I’VE MADE IN THE PAST YEAR?
I hit the steering wheel with my fists and tell them in a much calmer voice,
Sometimes I wish you’d just leave for good… I’m tired of your existence in my life. I know things were great before, but now you’re just doing more harm than good.
They put a hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said,
I told you it wasn’t going to be easy with me in your life..
Not the answer I was hoping to hear, I kept driving us home, tears quietly falling down my face.
I started to lose hope that they might leave me anytime soon. Our fights continued, usually just ending with me in tears and anger. Sometimes the anger would stick with me for hours, sometimes even days. Sometimes I would go off for the day and leave them and keep myself busy for hours and hours. But even after a beautiful attempt to avoid them for the entire day I would come home to them lying on my bed with a fat smirk smeared across their face, because they knew I wasn’t going to kick them out. I would just crawl into my bed next to them, not in the mood to fight, knowing they were only going to be around temporarily.
I slowly started to realize that it was just a season of my life that they were here. Seasons change and I know they would eventually disappear out of my life, maybe one day for good. Someone would replace them, someone better. Someone who will love me and treat me better than this friend of mine does.
Sometimes we have to appreciate all the seasons in our life, good and bad.
Sometimes you have to befriend your enemies- so life doesn’t seem so bad.
I do know that this friend of mine has taught me some beautiful things about myself, I will admit that. At times, because of them, I have loved myself more than I thought possible.
So here’s to you my friend. Here’s the rollercoaster we’ve experienced, and continue to ride on. I’m not sure how much longer you’ll be around. But I’ll remember this time forever.
At this point of my story I think it’s necessary to identify this friend by their name;
Loneliness is their name.
Maybe you know them too?