So if you’ve come across this blog, you might be asking yourself, why the heck are you writing a blog? What do you know about the world? What could you possibly have to offer? Quite honestly, you’re right, I have such little knowledge about the world, it’s actually fascinating. There is SO much to learn about the world and myself, it’s really what gets me out of bed everyday. It is part of the reason why I started a blog, to share my knowledge as I navigate the world and all the experiences, people, struggles, and adventures I come across.
But before we get onto that, let me share with you what got me here.
~Expectation vs. Reality
When reality hits you, like actually hits you, it’s a feeling like no other.
Expectation: You work your ass off in high school, (and frankly many years before without the knowledge of it) with your dream University as the end in mind. All your classes, extracurricular activities, and even your social life are based off “going to university.” Don’t want to take a hard class in your worst subject? Suck it up, it’ll get you into your favorite university. Extremely exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed at 2 in the morning? Don’t fall asleep! This paper matters! This lengthy essay question for homework matters! Everything matters if you want to get into that university! Want to rest up on Sunday after a 10 hour tournament day on Saturday? Too bad, you need to study for this Calculus test on Monday! This test makes or breaks your grade! Makes or breaks whether you get into your dream university! Want to go out and party with all your best friends? Now what kind of example are you setting for a girl on the volleyball team?.
I spent four years, four long years embedding all of this into my brain. For four years my entire energy and well being went into having good grades and progressing as a volleyball player. I thought that going to a university was my only option after high school. It was a thought that was drilled into my brain for 13 years. I had always been a school girl, I actually loved school weirdly enough. Mainly because I was a social butterfly and always had friends, but for most of the time I enjoyed working hard and getting good grades because it came easy to me. As I went through high school I stayed true to this person I was building; she was confident, she was social, she was a volleyball player, she was good at math and she was happy! I was the girl I thought I had created, I had pictured myself going to a great university, living in dorms, making new friends, studying hard, because that’s all I knew, and really hadn’t pictured anything else for myself.
The society I was raised in taught us from the first day of Kindergarten that going to a university was the proper thing to do straight out of high school. If school wasn’t for you, then military or a good paying job was the next option. How closed minded!
Now that you have an idea what went through my head for four consecutive years, let me explain what actually happened after high school.
Reality: I didn’t get into any of my dream colleges, or by any means, any of the colleges I applied to.
By this time it was May of 2017, I then took upon the thought, (I’ve always been a positive minded person) maybe it’s not meant to be? Guess I should have applied to universities I didn’t really want to go to? Maybe I should have worked harder? I graduated in less than a month after I found out and wasn’t going to let anything get to me. So I graduated with some of the most amazing people to ever come into my life, had the best summer of my life and felt nothing but good vibes.
Fall of 2017, I started community college after training my brain for a while to recognize that maybe this path is for the better. (There is absolutely nothing wrong with community college, it was just a hard concept to learn considering I had never imagined it for myself.) To be honest I thought I was too good for it, this is, when my ego kicked in.
A month into college I was miserable, but I didn’t realize it. I was just going through the motions of life and not really feeling anything but numb. I felt so low and really didn’t understand why for the longest time. Until everything just hit me, and it hit bad. All those feelings that were put off from when I didn’t get into any university, hit me like a 100 foot wave, 5 months later. I didn’t understand what anything meant anymore. I didn’t understand why I worked my ass off for all those years just to get me into a college where I felt useless and unworthy. You’re probably thinking, “Welcome to the real world Hannah.” or possibly “Well there’s more to life than that.” You’re damn right, this is the real world hunny and there is more to this life, but at the time, that was my entire world- getting my education. I was not the girl I was in high school anymore, which was a huge struggle because it was everything I identified with. And now she’s gone, no longer alive. I had really felt empty during this time of confusion.
Now here’s something most people don’t like to talk about. Well, guess I’m not most people because I will confess that I fell into depression, deep. Nothing really made me happy anymore, which is weird considering if you know me, a simple hug from my best friend brightened up my day. I felt trapped, honestly, everything just felt gloomy and ugly and I felt no meaning or purpose in anything. I really couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. It wasn’t the girl I had spent so many years working on. The personality that everybody loved and adored. She always had a smile on her face and truly lived and loved everyday. I had wished I could have held onto her for just one more day, but she was gone, forever.
So now what? I really had no idea who I was, and whatever I started to come up with was not good enough and unsatisfying. It hurt the most to see how much it hurt my parents, the two most amazing people to ever walk the earth, my two best friends, the two most vibrant and beautiful souls in my life. They were doing everything they could in their power to help me feel better, but nothing worked.
At this point in the story I wish I could claim one event that turned everything around but, frankly, the healing just took some time. It was a combination of a few things; for one, I actually couldn’t comprehend the fact that I would be studying abroad in Spain for 3.5 months. I needed a break from everything and just wanted to travel and I found the opportunity to do so. The yoga and meditation I started to practice helped a ton as well as the healing books that helped self discovery, the podcasts, and the love for life just slowly started to grow stronger than ever. I still haven’t been the same since, but that’s life. It’s the only way to grow into a better person. My personal favorite- No mud, no lotus.
I now like to live by the quote, thanks to Tanaaz Chubb’s amazing book, The Power of Positive Energy “You are an amazing, complex, Divine being who is essentially composed of a soul, a mind and a body.” By practicing yoga I was able to FEEL my body again, and by reading some powerful books, listening to podcasts, I was able to let my mind breathe, and then create. Lastly, my soul really started to come alive. I really started to FEEL everything, the energy I put into the world, the energy of love from my friends and family, and the overall powerful vibrations the universe has to offer. Life became slower, but in a good way. I am now aware of everything and feel present in everything and truly love all that passes, good and bad. I am in no rush to get my college degree, or start my career because I proudly have no idea what I want to study or be anymore. As of right now I am healthy and alive and I really just enjoy being the energy I am.
I had a true realization of life. I realized that I was starting fresh, and really felt like I was starting a whole new life and creating a whole new person. It’s still a process I am going through as I am writing this but it’s a feeling like no other. It may have been a rough couple of months, but I wouldn’t be in Spain if it hadn’t happened.
Now that I have a better understanding of my life and the direction I want it to go, my soul yearns for travel, so that is the path I will follow for as long as I can because the only thing holding me back is my mind, and I will NOT let it take over ever again like it did. But that’s still just the environment I will choose to surround myself with, so as for my soul and energy, I will keep healing it and supporting it with love and care.
As to why I ultimately started blogging;
I had a few of my friends say to me last fall after a deep lengthy Instagram post- “you really inspire me to be happy” so simple yet probably one of the most powerful things someone has ever said to me. I honestly can say I have no idea what it is or why they feel that because I’m just expressing thoughts and ideas from my heart. Well it made me realize how powerful my energy is as a human being and honestly my whole body just filled with love and warmth. So that is why I am here, that is why I have chosen to spill my heart out into these blogs.
Yes, I share a lot of personal things and thoughts but, I want people to know that it’s not all butterflies and rainbows for me. My life is always going to have highs and lows, and even though finding that sweet medium is the tricky part, that’s what makes life so beautiful. After however long it takes, you bloom, you love, and you live.
I want to inspire people to find the true energy of their soul, along with me at the same time.
I want to live authentically to my soul, my loved ones, and live MY life while spreading love and positivity into the world… and I hope to inspire you to do the same.
With nothing but love from the soul,